living AND dying

Have u seen death? u may have seen a person dying but how much deep u have have felt it.U may have seen a person moment before moving has stopped moving,u may have seen a person breathing has stopped breathing,u may have seen a person talking has stopped talking....is this enough vision of u'r perception.But i think i have seen a little more than that,i have seen my grandfather die.And this little is huge enough to vibrate my life, to make me think about what is that which we call a life (and what if i could see my own death)...A severe felling from inside- is this...is this how we end? U and I no matter what we are doing in our so called aliveness.And after death people gather big in some funeral and small in some,but i don't think it make any difference to the death one.Bringing that moment here i see how a person is nothing but a log or rock having lost all their sense.But science of dead body start....while the science of living body stop.In this between science which we called circulation of blood,pumping of heart,working of intestine stops....while still those blood,heart,intestine remain there .if life function only through this scientist may have created thousand of instrument and may have bring back to live to the person just after his death.But something is unwilling to submit to these power of instrument....and what is this? what force make it work and what take it away.I have carried my grandfather body,a dead one it just feel like carrying a rocksack.I have seen his dead body....have he could seen this scene a day before... what would he have done in his last moment.And have he been able to see it in his adult age.....? no the nature doesn't allow all the things to happen itself.May be that's why there is meaning to life, to use our living energy to revel this secret preserved for everyone.A secret of life and death.I have seen a cry of my mother ,grandmother and this cry is cry for the truth, truth wich is not acceptable to them.And i saw that pundit(priest) who have attain thousand pyre but still hasn't waken.may be he is almost hypnotize by those burning pyre ...which is nothing to him but burning wood or say cooking food but it was different for me.Time has carried my grandfather to the spot which it will carry all of us in our future.but we people have taken a vow,vow not to think about death and accept it....may be thinking about it may lead us to astray in our so called life,dream,ambitation,family,...may be it will lead us to death to this world before we really die.And wouldn't it be nice to make it happen by ourself which in course will surely happen,to see those thing which always remain unseen.I am talking about dying while alive and seeing our death and returning back from it.I have seen the people ,hitting those burnt body of my grandfather which was not fully burned and was still in shape of human body.They were in hurry to turn it into ash and in mintime they were talikng about many of such body which they have already burnt to ashes.Nothing bring change in them ,and i am afraid i have to allow to bring only little change in me too (i told u this little was also enough to vibrate my life),because great part of rushing sense in me was -it was making me feel like to run towards the jungle to search the truth.But i have to wait,wait to see all this futile thing in their futility..........i am sure i'll not go to death bed like this.I sometime ask myself what is my number in this world of 7 billion people.
       returning back to home from my grandpa funeral people were planning how to perform those 13 days ritual and of course they were very strict about following the every step as written in those book of PURAN.and why? for the peace and mukti of that eternal soul,the soul which they no nothing of.The very soul for which they were praying has never in his 78 years of life has taken out 13 days to gain these eternal peace.....and this how it goes to all of us...why should u take out our time while alive afterall there will be all our relative doing same thing for us after our death.It is sheer foolishness.I went to my grandpa room....i felt a sense of empiteness from inside in this empiteness echoes a sound,who was he just before here? a body speaking and walking or something else speaking and walking through a body...it ultimetly lead to my own beingness.who am i? am i a mistake in this planet or am i a illusion standing in this room? has there been a enlightened one i would have caught hold of his collor and whisper in his ear"what is truth"?.but i know any answer given by him would be his own answer not mine...................
I have taken a vow that i would know or at least  be in the path of knowing of my self until all this knowing and knower disappear,before this foolish people one day would take my body to turn into ashes.