living AND dying

Have u seen death? u may have seen a person dying but how much deep u have have felt it.U may have seen a person moment before moving has stopped moving,u may have seen a person breathing has stopped breathing,u may have seen a person talking has stopped talking....is this enough vision of u'r perception.But i think i have seen a little more than that,i have seen my grandfather die.And this little is huge enough to vibrate my life, to make me think about what is that which we call a life (and what if i could see my own death)...A severe felling from inside- is this...is this how we end? U and I no matter what we are doing in our so called aliveness.And after death people gather big in some funeral and small in some,but i don't think it make any difference to the death one.Bringing that moment here i see how a person is nothing but a log or rock having lost all their sense.But science of dead body start....while the science of living body stop.In this between science which we called circulation of blood,pumping of heart,working of intestine stops....while still those blood,heart,intestine remain there .if life function only through this scientist may have created thousand of instrument and may have bring back to live to the person just after his death.But something is unwilling to submit to these power of instrument....and what is this? what force make it work and what take it away.I have carried my grandfather body,a dead one it just feel like carrying a rocksack.I have seen his dead body....have he could seen this scene a day before... what would he have done in his last moment.And have he been able to see it in his adult age.....? no the nature doesn't allow all the things to happen itself.May be that's why there is meaning to life, to use our living energy to revel this secret preserved for everyone.A secret of life and death.I have seen a cry of my mother ,grandmother and this cry is cry for the truth, truth wich is not acceptable to them.And i saw that pundit(priest) who have attain thousand pyre but still hasn't waken.may be he is almost hypnotize by those burning pyre ...which is nothing to him but burning wood or say cooking food but it was different for me.Time has carried my grandfather to the spot which it will carry all of us in our future.but we people have taken a vow,vow not to think about death and accept it....may be thinking about it may lead us to astray in our so called life,dream,ambitation,family,...may be it will lead us to death to this world before we really die.And wouldn't it be nice to make it happen by ourself which in course will surely happen,to see those thing which always remain unseen.I am talking about dying while alive and seeing our death and returning back from it.I have seen the people ,hitting those burnt body of my grandfather which was not fully burned and was still in shape of human body.They were in hurry to turn it into ash and in mintime they were talikng about many of such body which they have already burnt to ashes.Nothing bring change in them ,and i am afraid i have to allow to bring only little change in me too (i told u this little was also enough to vibrate my life),because great part of rushing sense in me was -it was making me feel like to run towards the jungle to search the truth.But i have to wait,wait to see all this futile thing in their futility..........i am sure i'll not go to death bed like this.I sometime ask myself what is my number in this world of 7 billion people.
       returning back to home from my grandpa funeral people were planning how to perform those 13 days ritual and of course they were very strict about following the every step as written in those book of PURAN.and why? for the peace and mukti of that eternal soul,the soul which they no nothing of.The very soul for which they were praying has never in his 78 years of life has taken out 13 days to gain these eternal peace.....and this how it goes to all of us...why should u take out our time while alive afterall there will be all our relative doing same thing for us after our death.It is sheer foolishness.I went to my grandpa room....i felt a sense of empiteness from inside in this empiteness echoes a sound,who was he just before here? a body speaking and walking or something else speaking and walking through a body...it ultimetly lead to my own beingness.who am i? am i a mistake in this planet or am i a illusion standing in this room? has there been a enlightened one i would have caught hold of his collor and whisper in his ear"what is truth"?.but i know any answer given by him would be his own answer not mine...................
I have taken a vow that i would know or at least  be in the path of knowing of my self until all this knowing and knower disappear,before this foolish people one day would take my body to turn into ashes.

fuck is just a word

around 30 days.......oh! my god 30 days ..i broke the record.if u ask me i don't know where i am now. i don't have any philosophy,knowledge,anything to be called worth.i have fallen in pit in these 30 days.i can't say whether i use these days or misuse,i have lose power to judge.i am not i am anymore.what i have been doing in these time,i waste lot of time to learn little,or learn little great in lot of time.people are foolish and so i am.i have shown-living what i thought i couldn't have lived at all.doing what i thought i couldn't have done at all.no good ,no bad only acceptance whatever is.but was it right to do so.....i am mad don't ask me. now it's their time to judge.let them judge while i sit here alone wondering in blankness.it's all natural for human being but they are crying to us to see beyond the nature.teaching us art of living....do living need arts...and what is this art.can't this art come without teaching,without taming,without trying.....foolishiness must have the bounds and how foolish i am.why am i wtiting these word.i want to see word as a word.i want to see every word loosing it's meaning.........fuck ....hey it's just a word don't give meaning to it.ha! ha! hhhe!he! ...............................fkjdkljs ewruihdfkjhs 84e7wruiy7 jkjdnklfhsiof jfsdfkljsdio.yes i have unscientifically created this word and i don't want to be scientist, i am a child if u think i am mature, i am old if u think i am grown up.....i am fooolish like u are.can't u see you are foolish too reading this crab and this is not to prove that i am not alone......hahah!hahah! don't react j.k (just kidding) ok bye to you all without any promise to fresh start....it's my life i will chose wether to be ....or.....although knowing to be....or....not to be that is the question.

meditation, mind and drama

meditation itself is medicine, more meditation is drugs no medicine is madness.if you are not in meditative state you are in madness but mad one doesn't know it.one in more meditation is addict he has forget that ther are many color of life to celebrate,the one in middle is lucky he can celebrate everything.
                at this time  when i am writing this i am more towards direction of madeness,in fact i feel to write whenever i am mad.it's been 10 days since i haven't got chance to meditate properly and i can feel the tremendous madness hovering around. i can feel it's grip a thought after thought like a pile of arrow thrown at once.I can't bear it i want peace,a silence,a no thought, a no mind state.
            I can see a gradual change. my mind effort to be in thoughtless. I know the very effort is hindrance....but this knowing doesn't help me.I chose effortless effort and again i am deceive, how can i chose and what to chose ...chosing happen in duality and duality is a conflict.if i deny it is a conflict...and if i accept it's also a subtle denyto the deny.now i am deceiving myself.Before any effort used to be in silence and used to come from silence now i want silence through this effort.silence is disappearing only effort remains which very want is to regain that silence.
     sex appeal has increased,why not ....love lives in peace of mind,feeling of heart.Now there is no peace , no feeling only thought after thought and may be that's why energy has started to move downward. and i have to erupt it in 3 or 4 days.It's absurd that the love which was my mere state of being has now slowly started to change into emotion.when you can't be in present and in other words i like to say -when you can't love this whole existence and yourself then you would like to love one person just for a moment.this moment is called sex.And you want to disappear in timeless in that moment which of course doesn't last more than a mere second.when you fell moving to height you suddenly realize you have fallen to the pit.
             life is drama.You move,eat,play ...in this drama or may be dream.And i want to wake up.some time i dream that i am wake up.I don't know what this wake up means How many times i feel i am waking and how many time i feel again in sleep.anyway we all  are in drama some one chose their character in drama while someone doesn't but still drama is drama.My drama is worth laughing -wake up every morning(don't know where i had been all this 8 hour) ,go to college,sit among those intelligent head.A teacher taming all these head.which i called a superior head.It seem that some teacher are worth to be called intelligent but some are crying loud it seem they are not teaching us but rather in those loud voice taming themselves Some time a cadre enter and say something and all those intelligent heads understand him so quickly and claps and i can see change of line in cadre face and a little grin.Oh! now they are confident that whatever they are saying is right.
    I have to meditate.I know if i meditate i become in no thought state and i can continue my carrier knowing that it is a chosen drama for me.And if i don't meditate thought will arise and i can't continue this chosen drama.......i have to chose my own.In both case it is drama but that doesn't change my way.

DEATH NOTE

CORMAC Mc CARTHY:- One thing i won't give up is giving up.you give up the world line by line you become an accomplice to your own annihilation.there nothing you can do about everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you.finally there is only one door left.
I long for the darkness, I pray for the death real death and if i thought  in death i would meet the people i knew in my life.I don't know what i would do that would be the ultimate horror,the ultimate nightmare.If i thought i gonna meet my mother again  and start all of that all over only this time without prospect of death to look forward to, that would be the final nightmare,"kafka on the wheel"
            I want dead to be dead forever and i want to be one of them.Expect of course you  can't be one of them.you can't be one of them because that which has no existence can have no community.no community. My heart warms just thinking about it blackness,aloneness,silence,peace and all of it only a heartbeat away.
I don't regard my state of mind as some pessimistic view of the world.I regard it as the world itself.Evolution cannot avoid bringing intelligent life ultimately to an awareness of one thing and  one thing above all and  that one thing is futility.
             If people could see the world for what it truly is ,see their lives for what they truly are without dream and illusion I don't believe they could offer the first reason why they should not elect to die as soon as possible.
I don't believe in god ,look around can't you see the clamor and din of these torment has to be most pleasing to his hear.and I loathe this discussion the argument of the village atheist,whose single passion is to revile endlessly that which he denies the existence of in the first place.your god, your fellowship is fellowship of the pain and nothing more than that.and if that pain were collective instead of merely reiterative,the sheer weight of it would drag the world from wall of the universe and send it crashing and burning down through whatever night it might yet be capable of engendering until it was not even ash and brotherhood,justice eternal life  Good god, man.Show me religion that prepares one for nothingness,for death. That's the church i might enter.Yours prepare only for more life,for dreams and illusions and lies.Banish the fear of death from human hearts.... They wouldn't live a day.Who would want this nightmare but for the fear of next.The shadow of the axe hangs over every joy. Every roads ends in death,every friendship ,every love ,torment,loss ,betrayal,pain,suffering age,indignity,hideous lingering illness........and all of it with single conclusion.for you and every one  and every thing you have ever chosen to care for. That is the true brotherhood ,the true fellowship and everybody is a member for life.
   rage is really only for the good days.the truth is there's little of that left.The truth is the form i see have been slowly emptied out,they no longer have any content.They are shape's only, a train, a wall, a world ,a man.....a thing dangling in senseless articulation in howling void, no meaning to it's life,it's words.Why would i seek out the the company of such thing?why?.there is only hope of nothingness and i cling to these hope.

nowhereman: -you may be absolute true if life as the life you talk about is like this.But it is not, at least i have had the taste,i have cross the boundary.even i reached to the state of suicide,to the point where everything appear futile but i know now that was not the highest point of an awareness in fact it was just the beginning .I am still on the way towards it but i didn't jump into the river i changed the method.If you can die to this world,you can be so happy and in ecstasy.nothing bothers you,you live here as you are visitor to this planet earth,you live here as you are invisible.
but if your deciding to commit suicide you are not dying to this world you are dying to your own world which is going inside your head.you go on creating your"i" sometime sadist i,some time masochist i,some time dogmatise i, some time stubborn i,some time inferior i,some time superior i..........this i is nothing but a continuous thought which do not let you be in no mind state.This i go on begging it's food ,the more you feed it  the more it become hungry,become addict.
you could see all the form as they have no longer any content as they are shapes only but why can't  you see your mind without any content.people like you always go to the extreme of something and find out faulty as much as possible and traduce it , i tell  you the truth"opposite thing are always complementary" you go on saying there is one day between two night.If you have such vision indurate then no can change you.you go on blaming god and pronounce him with "he' why don't  you see the point that god is not the person sitting in heaven with 10 hands or 10 head for me god  is the very character of goodness and there is nothing called badness ,it is the name given to the absence of goodness.you become accomplice to your own annihilation .You go own saying whole world as illusion why you don't see that you are nothing but a part of it.May be the world is not the illusion but you are illusionist.
       you go on viewing other commuter from certain height without knowing that other are trying the same on you.
I view them as my fellow occupant as my own image.people may tell me that my father is my salvation well damn them.do i see myself in them ,yes i do and what i see sickness me.I see something of his in mine and i am lucky i can see it .As i see it i loose it from myself and rest which is in him and which is not inside mine ,my gratitude that shan't be never ever be inside me because i have seen it.
    seeing is something difference ,if you can see yourself in what you go on craving and  aversion than you become disidentified with yourself as you are now.you would know shadow of sorrow follows behind every joy,night comes in day's clothing,happiness is the disguise of misery.In my view the difference between rich and poor is that a rich can select his misery while poor are always bound to hook upon one.
sometime i like to go deep inside my head and bring about whatever there is and i bring out in the form of words.Words help me to give a logic,a logic to already exist desire.what difference between two person one with acquaintance of beautiful word and other illiterate both of them go on cutting animal throat just for the shake of their tongue is that one has accumulate the words and can defend  himself while other cannot.But inside both are same.
you go on declining everything and finally reach to a point which you cannot give up and cling to it so hardly that you may give your breathe away but you cannot let go your dogma.You prepare rather to loose your body but wish to cling to your mind.I don't know why? when you can let go whole world why just can't you let go your own mind ,mind creation  cannot lead you beyond mind.It is easy to race against other but what need courage is to race against yourself.
Truth was not that you have chosen the birth,truth will not be that you can lose it so easily.You may drown your body but that will be just an accident towards the preparation of another incident a new episode.
 I don't know why i am writing all this thing   i think now i should end with it before i get lost in my own words ,before i start to fall on my own abyssal.May be you are right in this case ,that all thing we believe is just a frail they won't  be long here neither will we,may be we go on saying something when there is nothing to say at all or may be there is so much to say that saying anything seem irrelevant.

who?

Oh! Who has picked these thorns for my heart? Who has spread these blossoms?

What bamboo’s music is this
every tone so rhythmic,
that life suddenly comes alive?
This song comes from what lips,
exploding in carefree melodies,
filled with the joy of uncounted streams?
What untouched blossom is this
that lines of black bees come zooming in
to collect its wine-like pollen?
Heart! Who has picked these thorns for my heart? Who has spread these blossoms?
What kind of mad thirst is this,
that has not learned to ask,
the joy of desiring nothing?
This strange, unknown hope,
loses itself, losing reason,
is its faith nourished in hopelessness?
What kind of lost bloom is this,
which comes seeking the early spring
becoming the heart’s rejoicing?
Ah! Who has picked these thorns for my heart? Who has spread these blossoms?
What live darkness is this,
which comes seeking me,
spontaneously igniting the flame of love?
Whose deaf dreams are these,

that listen to nothing else
that come floating always in my eyes?
What flame is this
that arose today to light,
the hundred lamps of love?
Tell me! Who has picked these thorns for my heart? Who has spread these blossoms?